pounds & persistence

my journey toward fitness and wellness and faith

Archive for the month “June, 2011”

Beach week- Day 5

Weight: unknown

I’ve fallen off the wagon. I haven’t tracked a point in 2 days. I’ve been watching what I’m eating, for the most part, and making smart choices where I can, but I can’t always cart my iphone with my WW app and points tracker to the beach or pool side or to every meal like I do at home. Also, there are the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies my sister-in-law made and I don’t really WANT to know how many points those are (I’ve had 3. Today. For breakfast.) Still, there are some victories- yesterday, at the movies, I ordered pretzel bites with mustard and a coke zero, which served as my smart(er) concessions choice and my lunch. Yay me! And frankly, I may weigh a pound or two more when I come home (depending on how bad for me those cookies actually are), but it IS vacation and I only do this once a year. Que sera sera!

C.C.

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Beach week- Day 4

Weight: unknown

It’s a rain day today. And my husband and I had another “chat” in the endless to-have-a-child/to-not-have-a-child debate. And this time it was sparked by a family member, which is extra fun and complicated. So I’m feeling blue. Which I know one should definitely not feel at the beach of all places, but I feel it anyway. I think I’m hormonal. I think I’m getting my period soon (a hunch confirmed by my iPhone app). But all these things just mean that I want to EAT! I’d rather make a giant batch of cookie dough and inhale the entire thing in front of hgtv in my sweats than do just about anything else right now. But I’m gonna fight the urge. I’m gonna push forward. I’m gonna hope I can make it to the end of the day on my points allotment! Wish me luck!

C.C.

Beach week- Day 3

Weight: unknown

Let’s talk for a moment about fear and forgiveness. I’m experiencing one and in need of the other.

This beach house doesn’t have a scale. I, like a dummy, forgot to pack mine. So I haven’t weighed myself in several days. And now I’m experiencing fear. Last week, I weighed myself every morning and the WW scale at the meeting Tuesday night was STILL unforgiving. How bad will it be when I return next week? How will I handle that soul crushing news that I’m actually MORE of an enormous hippo since I’ve been dieting than I was a week before I started? That all the healthy eating and trying to squeeze in exercise actually hasn’t helped make me any healthier? Ugh.

And I guess that brings me to the second word- forgiveness. I ate ice cream last night. And a handful of cashews on Sunday. And, at the moment, it was great and I was flexible and beachin’ out, but now I can’t stop fixating on it.

I recently had a hurtful experience where I realized that, in some ways, I represent what people never want to let happen to them, what people never want to be. People don’t want to be as heavy as I am. Hell, I don’t want to be as heavy as I am. And after I eat ice cream, all I can think is, “this is why you weigh twice what your sister-in-law weighs” or “this is why you don’t look good in a bathing suit”. Right now, I feel like I need to forgive myself for eating ice cream and I don’t have the generosity of spirit to do it, much less even ask for it. Right now, I feel like this isn’t about a lifestyle change or health but about simply not being the fat girl at the table any more. Right now, I feel like I should never eat again. And I know I need to get back on the horse, eat more healthfully today and put yesterday behind me. I know I need to stop beating myself up over 1 cup of ice cream. I know all this, but right now I’m not sure I can.

All I know is that fear is easy and forgiveness is hard. It’s vacation and I’m sure gonna try but I really need you to wish me luck…

C.C.

Beach week- Day 2

Weight: unknown

Being Beach week, and therefore a vacation, I made big plans to lay by the water (pool, ocean, sprinkler, whatever was readily available), soak up some sun and catch up on all my reading. So, naturally, I purchased Glamour magazines Beach Edition and parked my butt in a lounge chair. Today I read an interview in Glamour with Ginnifer Goodwin, the cute brunette starring in that new movie with Kate Hudson about stealing her fiancé. Anyway, Jennifer mentioned how she had told the press that she had been on WW since elementary school and she was shocked by the backlash against her because of it. I have a few thoughts on this (of course).

My first thought is that elementary school seems YOUNG to be worrying about your weight or diet. I think this is what the press reacted to as well. I mean, at the tender age of 9, shouldn’t you be worrying about your kickball game at recess and the kid who keeps putting boogers on you in gym class, not pounds and calories? But then I considered the childhood obesity rates in this country and Jamie Olivers crusade against public school lunches and WW’s focus on healthy eating and thought, well, maybe that’s not SO bad…

Which brings me to my second thought, and Ginnifer Goodwin’s thoughts as well- WW isn’t a diet so much as it is a lifestyle change. Her point was that those who criticized her didn’t understand that WW isn’t about limiting your calories or starving yourself to get thin but more about making healthy eating choices and learning to value movement and exercise more. And this is what will make the program work, as long as you work it. So, in some ways, I’m proud of Ginnifer for admitting that she has to watch what she eats, but standing adamantly behind the decision not to crash diet or starve herself. It’s not easy, but it is about a lifestyle change and I’m hoping I can make a lasting one too.

C.C.

Beach week- Day 1

Weight: unknown (no scale @ the beach house. Strange, I know)

This morning, my wonderful husband woke me up very, very early. Well, when you’re on a beach vacation, 6:30 am FEELS early. But, to make up for this early rousing, he volunteered to accompany me on my morning walk, and it was WONDERFUL. I now realize why my parents run together- so much more fun than running alone and great time to talk. We followed this with a nice healthy breakfast and a lounge by the pool. I’m loving vacation so far!

C.C.

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First week- Saturday

Weight: 255.4 lb

Beach bound! Looking forward to the sun and the sand, but not the 7 hour drive. Wish us luck!

C.C.

First week- Friday

Weight: 255.4 lb

Tomorrow we leave for the beach, so today is a madness of preparation. In fact, I’ve been preparing little by little all week, crossing various tasks off my list. Foremost on my list was the hunt for a cheap yet flattering swimsuit. If you are also a “plus sized” gal, you know that this is no easy hunt. Last year, I wore a very pretty pool blue tankini top with a pair of navy blue bottoms I had from a previous summer. The tankini had a cross-over design on the bodice and provided a lot of support for my bust, which can be ample when you’re over 250 lbs. It could be worn strapless, but with my rather large chest I wore the halter strap. I would have worn this great tankini top again, but sadly the clasp on the removable strap broke making it just a removed strap and, as I previously mentioned, I don’t do strapless. So I hunted high and low for a replacement tankini. And low and high. And I finally found THE EXACT suit at Target, only in a dark green with white polka dots. And it was in my size! Perfection.

So now I’ve got my new suit all packed and my sunscreen ready and I’m feeling beach ready!

C.C.

First week- Thursday

Weight: 256.4 lb

Weight loss can be a scary process. It can be stressful. It can be all consuming. I literally dreamt about weight loss last night, so I know it’s all these things for me.

Last night I couldn’t sleep well. I was exhausted, but I slept shallow sleep and kept waking up consumed with thoughts about WW points and recipes and sensible dinners. It was a long night, but the upside is that my unconscious brain processed some delicious new recipes I can’t wait to try and I awoke with lots of passion for continue persistence and fewer pounds. Wish me luck!

C.C.

First week- Wednesday

Weight: 256.0 lb

Last night was my first real WW meeting in a long time. Though I signed up on Friday, I didn’t hang around for the whole meeting, but last night a friend of mine wanted to sign up herself so we weighed in and waited for the meeting. Did I mention that we weighed in? Though the meeting was good, this weigh in was really the focus for me. I wasn’t nervous before I did it, but it was all I could think about after I’d done it.

According to the WW scale, I hadn’t lost a thing. Not an ounce, let alone a pound. In fact, according to them, I GAINED half a pound! I was a little mad and more than a little discouraged. And then I went home & weighed myself & realized that it read damn near the same thing. My own scale, which had so diligently weighed me every morning and dutifully reported my weight and kindly read a smaller and smaller number, was a traitor too! I suddenly realized that my weight can fluctuate dramatically over the course of a day. For example, at 9:45 at night after a large dinner, the scale told me I was 6 pounds heavier than it told me I was this morning before I’d eaten anything. Hmm.

So how then am I supposed to get excited over a 2 pound loss when it might just be the shoes I’m wearing, the salad I had for lunch or the freakin’ lunar cycle?! My conclusion is that it is valuable for me to keep weighing myself each day, but it isn’t worth worrying much about until we start getting into larger numbers. We’ll see how this new “don’t worry, be healthy” attitude works out!

C.C.

First Week- Tuesday

Weight: 255.4 lb

So, the scale says I’m steadily moving down, and I’m overjoyed at this! However, I’ve been a bit doubtful about my ability to be successful this time around, despite all the love and well wishes and support, given that I’ve tried so many diets in the past and have no real weight loss to show for those attempts. So at lunch yesterday, as I’m munching on my 5 point turkey avocado wrap, my friend Stephanie says “I know it’s hard to only lose 2 pounds at a time, but it’s the healthier way to lose weight and you’ll be able to keep it off. I really think Weight Watchers will work for you.”

To which I reply “Well, I tried it before and I didn’t have any success.”

And when she asks what happened I explain that eventually I got tired of pulling out my little cardboard slider to approximate points and that eventually I wanted to order a double bacon cheeseburger when we pulled into Wendy’s and just the idea of NOT ordering one was enough to reduce me to tears and that eventually I was sick of dressing in spandex and sweating a lot to run to nowhere in a gym full of people, so I stopped.

At which point, she looks at me and says “So, you gave up on the program, even though it was producing results and is supposed to be a lifestyle change. So basically, it didn’t fail you, you failed it.” Yes, this is exactly what happened, though had anyone but her said it, I’m not sure it would really have sunk in. And I am a little afraid it could happen again. So I’m thinking about all the things I’m doing differently this time around…

#1. Accountability. Which is equal to this blog and it’s readership. It keeps a large number of people who I otherwise wouldn’t be able to interact with regularly in the loop of my weight loss struggle. At any given time at least ONE of those people will be there to kick my ass should I start to falter. Big step.

#2. Daily weigh-ins. When I tried WW before, I only weighed in at the weekly meeting. If I missed a meeting for some reason, I weighed in at the next meeting, with two weeks in between. Which meant I was always surprised by my weight, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. And the negative surprises just defeated me. So, when I weight myself daily, I know how I stand for that day and can either get fresh motivation to really work the program today and go to the gym or give myself a small pat on the back. The highs and lows are smaller, and therefore less volatile.

#3. Acceptance. Last time I did WW, I didn’t want anyone to know I was doing it. I was embarrassed about my weight and the fact that I even needed to do WW, that I wasn’t one of those ridiculously thin girls you see munching on lettuce and telling you that their natural metabolism is so fast they just can’t seem to gain weight. I always wanted to be one of those girls. It’s kinda embarrassing to admit I’m not. But this time, I made a blog about it, so everyone will not only know I’m trying to lose weight and doing WW but exactly HOW MUCH I WEIGH every day! I think I’ve accepted this about as much as a person can at this point, and I’m gonna rock that advantage until the pounds fall off.

Stephanie also said yesterday that she once met a WW leader who told her that she tried the WW system 3 times unsuccessfully before she finally committed to it. She lost all her weight the 4th go-round. So the point is, it’s ok if you’ve tried and failed the system before, it’s still an effective system and it’s still there for you to try again. Wish me luck!

C.C.

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