pounds & persistence

my journey toward fitness and wellness and faith

Beach week- Day 3

Weight: unknown

Let’s talk for a moment about fear and forgiveness. I’m experiencing one and in need of the other.

This beach house doesn’t have a scale. I, like a dummy, forgot to pack mine. So I haven’t weighed myself in several days. And now I’m experiencing fear. Last week, I weighed myself every morning and the WW scale at the meeting Tuesday night was STILL unforgiving. How bad will it be when I return next week? How will I handle that soul crushing news that I’m actually MORE of an enormous hippo since I’ve been dieting than I was a week before I started? That all the healthy eating and trying to squeeze in exercise actually hasn’t helped make me any healthier? Ugh.

And I guess that brings me to the second word- forgiveness. I ate ice cream last night. And a handful of cashews on Sunday. And, at the moment, it was great and I was flexible and beachin’ out, but now I can’t stop fixating on it.

I recently had a hurtful experience where I realized that, in some ways, I represent what people never want to let happen to them, what people never want to be. People don’t want to be as heavy as I am. Hell, I don’t want to be as heavy as I am. And after I eat ice cream, all I can think is, “this is why you weigh twice what your sister-in-law weighs” or “this is why you don’t look good in a bathing suit”. Right now, I feel like I need to forgive myself for eating ice cream and I don’t have the generosity of spirit to do it, much less even ask for it. Right now, I feel like this isn’t about a lifestyle change or health but about simply not being the fat girl at the table any more. Right now, I feel like I should never eat again. And I know I need to get back on the horse, eat more healthfully today and put yesterday behind me. I know I need to stop beating myself up over 1 cup of ice cream. I know all this, but right now I’m not sure I can.

All I know is that fear is easy and forgiveness is hard. It’s vacation and I’m sure gonna try but I really need you to wish me luck…

C.C.

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2 thoughts on “Beach week- Day 3

  1. Brie Foster on said:

    Luck officially wished! I totally agree with your fear and forgiveness attitude, I’m the same way. Don’t be too hard on yourself for eating “unhealthy”. We can’t eat perfectly all the time. We have to think about the long term and not worry so much about one meal.
    Keep going girl, I’m cheering for you!

    • Thanks for the support, Brie. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who struggles with feeling so down when I don’t live up to my own expectations. I’m cheering for you too!

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