Beach week- Day 3
Let’s talk for a moment about fear and forgiveness. I’m experiencing one and in need of the other.
This beach house doesn’t have a scale. I, like a dummy, forgot to pack mine. So I haven’t weighed myself in several days. And now I’m experiencing fear. Last week, I weighed myself every morning and the WW scale at the meeting Tuesday night was STILL unforgiving. How bad will it be when I return next week? How will I handle that soul crushing news that I’m actually MORE of an enormous hippo since I’ve been dieting than I was a week before I started? That all the healthy eating and trying to squeeze in exercise actually hasn’t helped make me any healthier? Ugh.
And I guess that brings me to the second word- forgiveness. I ate ice cream last night. And a handful of cashews on Sunday. And, at the moment, it was great and I was flexible and beachin’ out, but now I can’t stop fixating on it.
I recently had a hurtful experience where I realized that, in some ways, I represent what people never want to let happen to them, what people never want to be. People don’t want to be as heavy as I am. Hell, I don’t want to be as heavy as I am. And after I eat ice cream, all I can think is, “this is why you weigh twice what your sister-in-law weighs” or “this is why you don’t look good in a bathing suit”. Right now, I feel like I need to forgive myself for eating ice cream and I don’t have the generosity of spirit to do it, much less even ask for it. Right now, I feel like this isn’t about a lifestyle change or health but about simply not being the fat girl at the table any more. Right now, I feel like I should never eat again. And I know I need to get back on the horse, eat more healthfully today and put yesterday behind me. I know I need to stop beating myself up over 1 cup of ice cream. I know all this, but right now I’m not sure I can.
All I know is that fear is easy and forgiveness is hard. It’s vacation and I’m sure gonna try but I really need you to wish me luck…