pounds & persistence

my journey toward fitness and wellness and faith

Goals

Weight: 256.4

Goals are important. Goals are motivating. Goals keep us on track and keep us inspired even when we want to give up. And lately, I’ve been evaluating my goals for weight loss.

Whether I admitted it or not, although usually I would and to anyone who would ask, my biggest motivator for losing weight was the goal of having children. Well, a child really. Just one. And man, oh man, have I wanted this goal. Lately, it was constantly on my mind, practically all I could think about and everything seemed to somehow come back to this goal. Should I buy this cardigan at Target? I’d ask myself. Well, how much do you have in savings? Is it enough to pay for maternity leave? Could you save this money instead? You might need it if you have to take an extra day of leave, and if you have to have a C-Section you never know how much leave you’ll need… And the madness continues from there. I might be exaggerating a little, but not much.

This has been an emotional issue for me. A passionate issue for me. And the more emotional and passionate I got, the less my husband has been convinced to my way of thinking. To be honest, all of this kinda came out of nowhere and pretty suddenly. And we had both been on the fence about kids when we got married. So I really don’t blame him for being at best confused, at worst flat out scared of my crazy talk.

I’ve recently been trying to come to grips with the fact that we may never have a child. It may not be in the cards. And that needs to be OK, even though it really doesn’t feel like it to me. It just feels deflating. And defeating. And it really makes me want to give up on any weight loss because, without my goal, what’s the point? Without that goal, what am I really working so hard to accomplish? If I get healthier and I can’t have a kid, then what’s the point of being healthier?

But all this thinking just makes me realize how little I value myself for myself.

Am I nothing now, without being a mother? Is my life of no value now, without children? The goal of weight loss, at least in my case, is to lose weight to be healthier, to live longer, to be able to do more. If I don’t lose weight, and continue on the path I’ve been on, I could put myself at risk for some pretty scary stuff, some definite life- shortening stuff. Am I OK with giving up the fight to preserve my life just because I haven’t reproduced? Even if I never have children, I have to believe that I have some meaning and importance and that I am worth saving,  because that’s what losing weight will do- it will save and prolong my life.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know I’m not the only one who’s had some specific goal that weighing less will accomplish for them. Nab them a boyfriend, score a new job, show off at a reunion. And if it doesn’t happen for some reason- we don’t lose the weight in time, the guy still doesn’t notice us, whatever- we feel defeated and give up. But we all need to recognize that we are valuable and create new goals for ourselves.

So my first new goal will be my obligatory 5% weight loss, because I get a little pin at my WW meeting when I accomplish that. More important to me, however, is my 10% weight loss because at that point, I will weigh less than my hubby and he will take me away for a weekend. And, at 15%, I think I’ll go shopping. And when I get below 200 lb., well maybe I’ll just throw a party. Just for me. Just because it’s important to celebrate myself sometimes.

C.C.

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